Pervez: Let this be your Fort Sumter!

I had intended the following example of my sage advice to be a matter of private discussion, but seeing as our troubled world could desperately stand to gain from my wisdom and greatness I have decided after much thought to disclose the contents of my recent e-mails to the closest living thing to Father Abraham that we have in this world (besides me, of course): General Pervez Musharraf.

To: lil’general@7-eleven.com
From: railsplittinstud1987@claremont.org
Sent: Thur 12/27/07 2:31 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How to talk to ghosts in the Lincoln Bedroom the next time I visit Dubya

Message: Ahoy-hoy, Pervey. The tidings of Father Abraham are truly upon you this day!

The fickle-minded nihilists of the world frown upon the recent premature expiration of Benazir Bhutto, but as sure as Lincoln had a stovepipe hat this occasion is your blessing! We hear today only of tragedy, but your country has been relieved of its Stephen Douglas – this time in the form of a white-hooded wench on a wave of post-exile popular sovereignty. Pay no attention to that democracy-spouting harpy, for it is the Union that reigns supreme over the people.

Today is no day for tears, my dear General. Today is your Fort Sumter. Seize the occasion as Lincoln did before you and bring Pakistan’s subversive positivists to their knees.

May the Union be with you!

Harry

P.S. The disunionist press corp taunts you now as they did to Lincoln. Follow his model and lock them in Fort McHenr…er…an Islamabad prison cell and be rid of their insolence. History will venerate you, my friend!

P.P.S. Sorry for my belated response on the Lincoln Bedroom thing. I ordered something called a "protoplasmic necro-communicator" from an ad in Spy Magazine. I think it'll do the trick, but the stuff they sent me looks like a roll of telephone wire, an egg carton, and an old boat battery. Ken's down in the basement trying to assemble it right now. I'll have him drop it at DSL in the morning - HVJ

So there you have it - my wisdom shared with Pervez and now the world. May its prescient contents Declare before us a message of equality for the ignorant masses, to be forever recorded in the archives of gravity. Huzzah!

Judicial Calhounite

Not since the blunders of Taney has our blessed Union seen a so-called jurist espouse the judicial philosophy of rum, romanism and rebellion so radically as Fox News analyst Andrew Napolitano, the Scalia of the Masterclass.

Whatever you do, do not watch this video:

Ron Paul's Calhounite Revolution!

I bring tidings this Boxing Day: Frank Meyer's ghost has returned to haunt the American electoral system once again, and this time he is penning speeches for a nullificationist witchdoctor from that neo-confederate stronghold of Texas. While most good, Union-loving candidates of the Republican Party spend the darker months of the year responding to my call for Haj to the temple of Abraham in Washington, D.C. this would-be pretender to Lincoln's throne has used the Holy Month of Abradan to commit high heresy before all that is America, or at least its better parts. And the cameras captured this abomination!



600,000 unnecessary deaths, Mr. Paul? Bah!

Each and every single one of those 600,000 lives was destined to be spilt upon the altar of the glorious Union, for the Union alone gave them those lives and the one true same Union, through the merciful might of its Prophet Abraham, is alone permitted to decree their termination in fulfillment of its needs! In 1861 Lincoln saw the youthful life of his nation being drained by the states, crazed with oedipal desires to rob their lifegiving mother, the Union, of its essence and purity. And like Bathory and Saltykova before him, Lincoln saw the one true and only solution: mother Union must bathe her wayward soils in the virgin blood of its peonage to attain a new birth of freedom.

While still recovering from the shock of Mr. Paul's blasphemy, Fox News cobbled together a response. Unfortunately Roger Ailes seems to have misplaced a certain email address (psst...it's railsplittinstud1987@claremont.org - keep the bottle opener keychain next time) and assigned this important task to Bill Kristol.



As I watched his disjointed though well intentioned rebuttal I was reminded of the lowly freshmen who attend the Claremont Institute's log cabin summer retreats. They arrive with the glow of hope in their eyes and a sense of adoration unseen since Elmer Ellsworth was a sprightly young intern at the law offices of Lincoln and Herndon, but like young Ellsworth, true to the cause though they may be, they are as of yet unready to carry Father Abraham's banner into battle with the Calhounite hordes, be they confederate innkeepers or presidential candidates. Since only a true and seasoned elder of Father Abraham's temple is capable of delivering the necessary retort, I again humbly make it known that my services are available.

The insidious nature of the Ron Paul campaign makes it a particularly pressing threat to the Union we hold and cherish so dearly. True to its roots in the neo-Calhounite compounds of backwoods Alabama, Paul's campaign recently happened upon $6 million cash - as sure sign that his hordes have been digging up the Confederate gold that Judah P. Benjamin stashed in the New Mexico desert after Richmond fell in 1865. If that were not trouble enough though, Paul's campaign like Calhoun before him has joined forces with Nazi Germany, just as I first discovered almost four score ago as I explained to a then-lost Union what a crisis in a divided house truly meant.

If ever you needed proof that Calhoun and Hitler link their arms in a swastika of hatred for Father Abraham, check no further than this article by David Benzion of Lone Star Times, which has proof that Mr. Paul and his Knights of the Golden Circle cohorts secretly conspire on their Calhounite agenda with the Wehrmacht at a Washington, D.C. Thai cafeteria every Wednesday night.

Both Congressman Paul and his aides regularly meet with members of the Stormfront set, American Renaissance, the Institute for Historic Review, and others at the Tara Thai restaurant in Arlington, Virginia, usually on Wednesdays. This is part of a dinner that was originally organized by Pat Buchanan, Sam Francis and Joe Sobran, and has since been mostly taken over by the Council of Conservative Citizens.

They say that Paul's Hitler liason is Don Black, but just reading that article tells me enough to know the man who is really behind the curtain: Joe Sobran.

I'm not a chick

...and I don't write country music lyrics, but if I were and did, JunkYard blog would have it right.

From my cold gay hands

shall you pry the colorful new $5 bill, with its brilliant streaks of lavender. We call it the "Fry-Spot."

Timeless Wisdom on Hotchicks

Pervez dons a stovepipe hat

As the world teeters on the brink of nihilistic positivism, a beacon of perpetual emancipation has emerged from the unlikeliest of places. Father Abraham has a champion among the sons of Ishmael, the great General Pervez Musharraf.

To hear the words of Lincoln, transposed in undulating pitched consonants to the Pakastani emancipator's mouth and dripping forth from his tongue like the blood of Atlanta's Calhounite housewives trickled off the boot heels of General Sherman, truly brought joy to this old man's heart. Let us hear the General's message as he urges us Americans, and indeed the inheritors of the Gettysburg banner, to once again affirm our faith in the purity and guidance of Father Abraham:

I would at this time venture to read out an excerpt of President Abraham Lincoln, specially to all my listeners in the United States. As an idealist, Abraham Lincoln had one consuming passion during that time of crisis, and this was to preserve the Union.

The Union, oh blessed and merciful may it be to you, General Musharaff. For you are truly a man who has seen his house divided and declared that there shall be no more crisis! But lo, I see that the modern day's Copperheads have targeted you with their venom and a thousand blogging Booths now descend upon your theater perch. The heirs of Calhoun and Hitler know no boundaries, seemingly having even dragged the once talented Eric Foner into their camp.

Here is what Lincoln did not do and Musharraf did. He did not suspend the Constitution, remove the Chief Justice, impose martial law upon the entire country, incarcerate dozens of lawyers, arrest leaders of the opposition party and human rights advocates or ban political demonstrations. Perhaps most important, he did not disrupt the operation of political democracy.

No, no, no, Eric! You have it all wrong, and if you had paid attention when I told you that Lincoln gave this country a new birth of freedom you might possibly glimpse a reflection of a shadow of the depth of the wrongness that I know you to now exhibit.

How dare thee suggest Abraham Lincoln failed in his attempt to impose martial law! How dare you accuse him of inadequacy in his efforts to arrest leadership of the opposition party! How dare you impugn Father Abraham's ability to disrupt the operation of political democracy! And he would have arrested that rat bastard Taney too if the weaker minds in his cabinet had not impeded him. My dear Eric, you make a great story teller but know Lincoln you do not, for Abe not only met the bars you set for him but met them like a viking.

It is General Musharaff in emulating Lincoln's grand example who falls short for want of simple elocution. But that is no fault of his. In the century since the American people were robbed of Lincoln's divine utterances only one voice has attained a peerage along side the Emancipator's oratory. Though such assistance was available to him, for reasons unknown General Musharaff neglected to return my phone calls.

"Extremism in the defense of Lincoln is no vice," he should say! Declare that and in United Pakistan, much like the United America, children would forever frolic to Abraham's guidance amidst the daisies and the glowing rays of light cast out upon the land like a mushroom's spores from the glory that is Union.