Pervez: Let this be your Fort Sumter!

I had intended the following example of my sage advice to be a matter of private discussion, but seeing as our troubled world could desperately stand to gain from my wisdom and greatness I have decided after much thought to disclose the contents of my recent e-mails to the closest living thing to Father Abraham that we have in this world (besides me, of course): General Pervez Musharraf.

To: lil’general@7-eleven.com
From: railsplittinstud1987@claremont.org
Sent: Thur 12/27/07 2:31 AM
Subject: Re: Re: Re: How to talk to ghosts in the Lincoln Bedroom the next time I visit Dubya

Message: Ahoy-hoy, Pervey. The tidings of Father Abraham are truly upon you this day!

The fickle-minded nihilists of the world frown upon the recent premature expiration of Benazir Bhutto, but as sure as Lincoln had a stovepipe hat this occasion is your blessing! We hear today only of tragedy, but your country has been relieved of its Stephen Douglas – this time in the form of a white-hooded wench on a wave of post-exile popular sovereignty. Pay no attention to that democracy-spouting harpy, for it is the Union that reigns supreme over the people.

Today is no day for tears, my dear General. Today is your Fort Sumter. Seize the occasion as Lincoln did before you and bring Pakistan’s subversive positivists to their knees.

May the Union be with you!

Harry

P.S. The disunionist press corp taunts you now as they did to Lincoln. Follow his model and lock them in Fort McHenr…er…an Islamabad prison cell and be rid of their insolence. History will venerate you, my friend!

P.P.S. Sorry for my belated response on the Lincoln Bedroom thing. I ordered something called a "protoplasmic necro-communicator" from an ad in Spy Magazine. I think it'll do the trick, but the stuff they sent me looks like a roll of telephone wire, an egg carton, and an old boat battery. Ken's down in the basement trying to assemble it right now. I'll have him drop it at DSL in the morning - HVJ

So there you have it - my wisdom shared with Pervez and now the world. May its prescient contents Declare before us a message of equality for the ignorant masses, to be forever recorded in the archives of gravity. Huzzah!